Haircut

[size="3">[color="]Not[/size][size="3">[color="]first[/size][size="3">[color="]start[/size][size="3">[color="]cantaloupe[/size] instead of a whole one and it might not[size="3">[color="]not[/size][size="3">[color="]starved[/size][size="3">[color="]first[/size] and said he didn?t want it, but they made him take it It ain?t no job that anybody would fight for and what a man makes out of it in a year would just about buy seeds for their garden Doc?s the kind, though, that can?t say no to nothin? if you keep at him long enough

But I was goin? to tell you about a poor boy we got here in town-Paul Dickson He fell out of a tree when he was about ten years old Lit on his head and it done somethin? to him and he ain?t never been right No harm in him, but just silly Jim Kendall used to call him cuckoo; that?s a name Jim had for anybody that was off their head, only he called people?s head their bean That was another of his gags, callin? head bean and callin? crazy people cuckoo Only poor Paul ain?t crazy, but just silly

You can imagine that Jim used to have all kinds of fun with Paul He?d send him to the White Front Garage for a left-handed monkey wrench Of course they ain?t no such thing as a left-handed monkey wrench

And once we had a kind of a fair here and they was a baseball game between the fats and the leans and before the game started Jim called Paul over and sent him way down to Schrader?s hardware store to get a key for the pitcher?s box

They wasn?t nothin? in the way of gags that Jim couldn?t think up, when he put his mind to it

Poor Paul was always kind of suspicious of people, maybe on account of how Jim had kept foolin? him Paul wouldn?t have much to do with anybody only his own mother and Doc Stair and a girl here in town named Julie Gregg That is, she ain?t a girl no more, but pretty near thirty or over

When Doc first come to town, Paul seemed to feel like here was a real friend and he hung round Doc?s office most of the w?ile; the only time he wasn?t there was when he?d go home to eat or sleep or when he seen Julie Gregg coin? her shoppin?

When he looked out Doc?s window and seen her, he?d run downstairs and join her and tag along with her to the different stores The poor boy was crazy about Julie and she always treated him mighty nice and made him feel like he was welcome, though of course it wasn?t nothin? but pity on her side

Doc done all he could to improve Paul?s mind and he told me once that he really thought the boy was getting better, that they was times when he was as bright and sensible as anybody else

But I was goin? to tell you about Julie Gregg Old man Gregg was in the lumber business, but got to drinkin? and lost the most of his money and when he died, he didn?t leave nothin? but the house and just enough insurance for the girl to skimp along on

Her mother was a kind of a half invalid and didn?t hardly ever leave the house Julie wanted to sell the place and move somewhere else after the old man died, but the mother said she was born here and would die here It was tough on Julie as the young people round this town?well, she?s too good for them

She?d been away to school and Chicago and New York and different places and they ain?t no subject she can?t talk on, where you take the rest of the young folks here and you mention anything to them outside of Gloria Swanson or Tommy Meighan and they think you?re delirious Did you see Gloria in Wages of Virtue? You missed somethin?!

Well, Doc Stair hadn?t been here more than a week when he came in one day to get shaved and I recognized who he was, as he had been pointed out to me, so I told him about my old lady She?s been ailin? for a couple years and either Doc Gamble or Doc Foote, neither one, seemed to be helpin? her So he said he would come out and see her, but if she was able to get out herself, it would be better to bring her to his office where he could make a completer examination

So I took her to his office and w?ile I was waitin? for her in the reception room, in come Julie Gregg When somebody comes in Doc Stair?s office, they?s a bell that rings in his inside office so he can tell they?s somebody to see him

So he left my old lady inside and come out to the front office and that?s the first time him and Julie met and I guess it was what they call love at first sight But it wasn?t fifty-fifty This young fella was the slickest lookin? fella she?d ever seen in this town and she went wild over him To him she was just a young lady that wanted to see the doctor

She?d came on about the same business I had Her mother had been doctorin? for years with Doc Gamble and Doc Foote and with? out no results So she?d heard they was a new doc in town and decided to give him a try He promised to call and see her mother that same day

I said a minute ago that it was love at first sight on her part I?m not only judgin? by how she acted afterwards but how she looked at him that first day in his office I ain?t no mind reader, but it was wrote all over her face that she was gone

Now Jim Kendall, besides bein? a jokesmith and a pretty good drinker, well Jim was quite a lady-killer I guess he run pretty wild durin? the time he was on the road for them Carterville people, and besides that, he?d had a couple little affairs of the heart right here in town As I say, his wife would have divorced him, only she couldn?t

But Jim was like the majority of men, and women, too, I guess He wanted what he couldn?t get He wanted Julie Gregg and worked his head off tryin? to land her Only he?d of said bean instead of head

Well, Jim?s habits and his jokes didn?t appeal to Julie and of course he was a married man, so he didn?t have no more chance than, well, than a rabbit That?s an expression of Jim?s himself When somebody didn?t have no chance to get elected or somethin?, Jim would always say they didn?t have no more chance than a rabbit

He didn?t make no bones about how he felt Right in here, more than once, in front of the whole crowd, he said he was stuck on Julie and anybody that could get her for him was welcome to his house and his wife and kids included But she wouldn?t have nothin? to do with him; wouldn?t even speak to him on the street He finally seen he wasn?t gettin? nowheres with his usual line so he decided to try the rough stuff He went right up to her house one evenin? and when she opened the door he forced his way in and grabbed her But she broke loose and before he could stop her, she run in the next room and locked the door and phoned to Joe Barnes Joe?s the marshal Jim could hear who she was phonin? to and he beat it before Joe got there

Joe was an old friend of Julie?s pa Joe went to Jim the next day and told him what would happen if he ever done it again

I don?t know how the news of this little affair leaked out Chances is that Joe Barnes told his wife and she told somebody else?s wife and they told their husband Anyways, it did leak out and Hod Meyers had the nerve to kid Jim about it, right here in this shop Jim didn?t deny nothin? and kind of laughed it off and said for us all to wait; that lots of people had tried to make a monkey out of him, but he always got even

Meanw?ile everybody in town was wise to Julie?s bein? wild mad over the Doc I don?t suppose she had any idea how her face changed when him and her was together; of course she couldn?t of, or she?d of kept away from him And she didn?t know that we was all noticin? how many times she made excuses to go up to his office or pass it on the other side of the street and look up in his window to see if he was there I felt sorry for her and so did most other people

Hod Meyers kept rubbin? it into Jim about how the Doc had cut him out Jim didn?t pay no attention to the kiddie? and you could see he was plannin? one of his jokes

One trick Jim had was the knack of changin? his voice He could make you think he was a girl talkie? and he could mimic any man?s voice To show you how good he was along this line, I?ll tell you the joke he played on me once

You know, in most towns of any size, when a man is dead and needs a shave, why the barber that shaves him soaks him five dollars for the job; that is, he don?t soak him, but whoever ordered the shave I just charge three dollars because personally I don?t mind much shavin? a dead person They lay a whole lot stiller than live customers The only thing is that you don?t feel like talkie? to them and you get kind of lonesome

Well, about the coldest day we ever had here, two years ago last winter, the phone rung at the house w?ile I was home to dinner and I answered the phone and it was a woman?s voice and she said she was Mrs John Scott and her husband was dead and would I come out and shave him

Old John had always been a good customer of mine But they live seven miles out in the country, on the Streeter road Still I didn?t see how I could say no

So I said I would be there, but would have to come in a jitney and it might cost three or four dollars besides the price of the shave So she, or the voice, it said that was all right, so I got Frank Abbott to drive me out to the place and when I got there, who should open the door but old John himself! He wasn?t no more dead than, well, than a rabbit

It didn?t take no private detective to figure out who had played me this little joke Nobody could of thought it up but Jim Kendall He certainly was a card!

I tell you this incident just to show you how he could disguise his voice and make you believe it was somebody else talkie? I?d of swore it was Mrs Scott had called me Anyways, some woman

Well, Jim waited till he had Doc Stair?s voice down pat; then he went after revenge

He called Julie up on a night when he knew Doc was over in Carterville She never questioned but what it was Doc?s voice Jim said he must see her that night; he couldn?t wait no longer to tell her somethin? She was all excited and told him to come to the house But he said he was expectin? an important long distance call and wouldn?t she please forget her manners for once and come to his office He said they couldn?t nothin? hurt her and nobody would see her and he just must talk to her a little w?ile Well, poor Julie fell for it

Doc always keeps a night light in his office, so it looked to Julie like they was somebody there

Meanw?ile Jim Kendall had went to Wright?s poolroom, where they was a whole gang amusin? themselves The most of them had drank plenty of gin, and they was a rough bunch even when sober They was always strong for Jim?s jokes and when he told them to come with him and see some fun they give up their card games and pool games and followed along

Doc?s office is on the second floor Right outside his door they?s a flight of stairs leadin? to the floor above Jim and his gang hid in the dark behind these stairs

Well, tulle come up to Doc?s door and rung the bell and they was nothin? coin? She rung it again and she rung it seven or eight times Then she tried the door and found it locked Then Jim made some kind of a noise and she heard it and waited a minute, and then she says, ?Is that you, Ralph?? Ralph is Doc?s first name

They was no answer and it must of came to her all of a sudden that she?d been bunked She pretty near fell downstairs and the whole gang after her They chased her all the way home, hollerin?, ?Is that you, Ralph?? and ?Oh, Ralphie, dear, is that you?? Jim says he couldn?t holler it himself, as he was laughin? too hard

Poor Julie! She didn?t show up here on Main Street for a long, long time afterward

And of course Jim and his gang told everybody in town, everybody but Doc Stair They was scared to tell him, and he might of never knowed only for Paul Dickson The poor cuckoo, as Jim called him, he was here in the shop one night when Jim was still gloatin? yet over what he?d done to Julie And Paul took in as much of it as he could understand and he run to Doc with the story

It?s a cinch Doc went up in the air and swore he?d make Jim suffer But it was a kind of a delicate thing, because if it got out that he had beat Jim up, Julie was bound to hear of it and then she?d know that Doc knew and of course knowin? that he knew would make it worse for her than ever He was goin? to do somethin?, but it took a lot of figurin?

Well, it was a couple days later when Jim was here in the shop again, and so was the cuckoo Jim was goin? duck-shootin? the next day and had come in lookin? for Hod Meyers to go with him I happened to know that Hod had went over to Carterville and wouldn?t be home till the end of the week So Jim said he hated to go alone and he guessed he would call it off Then poor Paul spoke up and said if Jim would take him he would go along Jim thought a w?ile and then he said, well, he guessed a half-wit was better than nothin?

I suppose he was plottin? to get Paul out in the boat and play some joke on him, like pushin? him in the water Anyways, he said Paul could go He asked him had he ever shot a duck and Paul said no, he?d never even had a gun in his hands So Jim said he could set in the boat and watch him and if he behaved himself, he might lend him his gun for a couple of shots They made a date to meet in the mornin? and that?s the last I seen of Jim alive

Next mornin?, I hadn?t been open more than ten minutes when Doc Stair come in He looked kind of nervous He asked me had I seen Paul Dickson I said no, but I knew where he was, out duckshootin? with Jim Kendall So Doc says that?s what he had heard, and he couldn?t understand it because Paul had told him he wouldn?t never have no more to do with Jim as long as he lived

He said Paul had told him about the joke Jim had played on Julie He said Paul had asked him what he thought of the joke and the Doc told him that anybody that would do a thing like that ought not to be let live I said it had been a kind of a raw thing, but Jim just couldn?t resist no kind of a joke, no matter how raw I said I thought he was all right at heart, but just bubblin? over with mischief Doc turned and walked out

At noon he got a phone call from old John Scott The lake where Jim and Paul had went shootin? is on John?s place Paul had came runnin? up to the house a few minutes before and said they?d been an accident Jim had shot a few ducks and then give the gun to Paul and told him to try his luck Paul hadn?t never handled a gun and he was nervous He was shakin? so hard that he couldn?t control the gun He let fire and Jim sunk back in the boat, dead

Doc Stair, bein? the coroner, jumped in Frank Abbott?s flivver and rushed out to Scott?s farm Paul and old John was down on the shore of the lake Paul had rowed the boat to shore, but they?d left the body in it, waiting for Doc to come

Doc examined the body and said they might as well fetch it back to town They was no use leavin? it there or callin? a jury, as it was a plain case of accidental shootin?

Personally I wouldn?t never leave a person shoot a gun in the same boat I was in unless I was sure they knew somethin? about guns Jim was a sucker to leave a new beginner have his gun, let alone a half-wit It probably served Jim right, what he got But still we miss him round here He certainly was a card! Comb it wet or dry?